PEOPLE - PLEASING – prioritising the needs of others over yours might seem like the easiest thing to do, but putting yourself first can change everything!

Helping others can be fulfilling but constantly doing so without consideration for your own wellbeing can lead to exhaustion, low self-worth and even resentment towards yourself and others. There are practical steps you can take to reduce these tendencies. 

Why is this pattern playing out? 

People - pleasing often functions as a subconscious protective mechanism, rooted in a deep -seated need for acceptance and validation. 

By understanding the motivation behind your people-pleasing, you will be better able to take a pause and try something different to support your needs. Reflect on a recent situation where you felt compelled to please others. Intentionally think this over, or perhaps try journalling by asking  three questions: 

“What was your  underlying intention? 

What did you believe might happen if you didn’t ? 

Were there any self-beliefs influencing your behaviour at that moment?” 

Practise Self-compassion. 

Self-worth issues are at the heart of people-pleasing. Those who people-please feel their value depends on how people perceive them. To develop healthy self-worth, it is important to alter your focus from looking outwards to looking inwards.  

Change your language from “ I should not have made that mistake” to “ I made a mistake but I am only human and doing my best!”  This change in your self-talk might seem uncomfortable at first, but, over time a more compassionate inner dialogue can have influence on the way you feel about yourself.

Regulate your nervous system. 

When we do things, we find uncomfortable, it can trigger feelings of guilt, fear, or anxiety. If we have spent our whole lives in people-pleasing mode, a new way of being can, naturally, feel uncomfortable at first. We deal best with these new feelings when our nervous system is regulated, so investing in managing this is crucial during the transitional period. 

Grounding techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness or progressive muscle relaxation can be hugely beneficial. 

Breathing in for four counts, hold the breath for four and exhale slowly for six will send a message to your nervous system that you are safe, and can help you to feel more in control. By learning to self-regulate you can approach new situations with greater calm and confidence even when they feel challenging. 

Boundaries.  

When you are in people-pleasing mode boundaries are often ignored. But its essential you do so! By rehearsing how you will respond  in specific situations you will feel more prepared and less reactive when the occasion arises. Practise clear statements in front of a mirror, without an audience. Phrases like “ I would like to help, but I am really busy at the moment. Thank you for thinking of me, but I will have to pass the invitation this time.” Rehearsing these phrases aloud, or, with someone you trust, can help them to feel more natural. The more often you set boundaries, the less uncomfortable you will feel. 

Embrace discomfort! 

When you cut back on people-pleasing ,you will need to accept that some people are going to be  disappointed more often! This may not feel easy at first. It is important to know that discomfort does not always mean you have done something wrong. Often it is a sign of healthy personal growth. So, stop feeling guilty. 

By sitting with these feelings rather than avoiding them, you can begin to build resilience.